Silly Thing In My Brain: Let's Be Dumb About Ugly Furniture
Since I've paid for these images anyway
This couch has been waiting by the phone for about 40 years to talk to you about the latest episode of “The Hardy Boys.” Why won’t you call?
You ever have dumb jokes in your head that only a few people who know you will get, and that even less of those people will care about it because they’re polite and have been pretending to.
This is one of those things. Bear with me. It’s funny. I think.
Back in the summer of 2020, I was in the middle of the frantic, scary, exciting ride that is becoming a homeowner (for the third time, but for the first in a long time.) One of the biggest thrills for me wasn’t just finding the house, but decorating it. It had been forever since I’d been able to make a home truly my own without stuff that previous owners or landlords had insisted I keep as part of the deal. (I’m sitting on a green leather loveseat from one of those homes now. I love it. The “Brady Bunch” couches, on the other hand, are long gone.)
So jazzed was I about making my new house in Baltimore my own that I went way, way overboard on researching every home furnishing site you could imagine. And along with the plush purple couches and sexy platform beds I was looking for was…some mess. Weirdly-lit brothel lite bedrooms. Couches dressed like Herb Tarlek from “WKRP In Cincinnati.” So much gloriously wrong decor that I started writing Facebook posts on my private page about them, as if they were human. It was amusing to me, so amusing that when I got my Shutterstock account I started searching for ugly furniture to make fun of. I considered writing a funny coffee table book about it, because it amused me, until my agent sweetly told me that was a bad idea and hey, where was that novel I was supposed to be writing?
I am halfway through that novel, but I also have all this dumb furniture art that I’ve paid for, so instead of a book, here’s a newsletter post anthropomorphising unfortunate couches. At least I’m amused. Let’s goooooo!
This living room believed its Cousin Tony when he said it was just gonna “hold” the coffee table for a few minutes, and now it hears Tony’s gotten into a thing with his bookie, and he’s not answering his beeper, and the rug is getting sooo cold.
This couch is still waiting for your RSVP to its macrame party.
This bed had a fancier duvet on earlier when it thought you were coming for dinner, but now it’s gotten undressed and cozy and is kinda embarrassed that you’ve shown up so late, but it’s going to cut you a slice of pie while remarking about how early it has to get up tomorrow, HELEN.
That’s him in the corner. That’s him in the spotlight. Losing his religion.
This bed has been watching lots and lots of documentaries about the Baroque period, and happens to have one cued up right now. YOU WANT TO WATCH IT, DON’T YOU? Wait…where are you going?